The Pillow Talk
by Dr.Indigo
Summary: Sequel to The Revenge. After failing yet again to lure Wander into her bed, Dominator is forced to do something she has never done with a man before. Talk. However, during this intimate little chat, several shocking secrets about the wanderer's past will be revealed. How will Dominator react? Read and find out.
1. Chapter 1

Hello everybody, and welcome to the next installment of my exciting 7-Party WOY Epic. But before we get started, there's a few things I'd like to set straight. 1. This story takes place three months after the events of The Revenge. 2. Yes, I saw the finale. No, I'm not upset. Why? Because I've seen this happen to good shows before and it doesn't hurt as much this time around since I have a creative outlet. 3. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Pillow Talk: Chapter 1.

One of the greatest truths of our universe is that people are very rarely who they seem to be.

Many brave knights turn out to be cowardly fools.

Many kind souls turn out to be cruel monsters.

And more often than not, a smile is just a mask to hide one's true pain.

To put it simply, dear reader, we live in a universe of frauds and charlatans.

However, before you go branding me a cynic, let me just say that I in no way mean this as an insult. True, nine times out of ten, a person's public façade might not be all that there is to them, but this isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it just means that people are more complex than they like to let on, and in my opinion, that just makes getting to know someone all the more enjoyable.

Looking past the face that men present to society.

Peeling back the layers of their personality.

Discovering what lies at the core of their very being.

This is what it means to get close to someone.

This, my dear reader, is the height of intimacy.

But of course, not everyone would agree with such a notion.

" ** _WHAT!_** " Dominator shouted at the top of her voice; rattling the support structures of her mighty Lava-Ship. "Are you _frigging_ kidding me!"

"No Ma'am, I'm not." Replied Wander; his tone stern yet genteel. "I'm sorry, Deedee. But I'm just not in the mood tonight."

"That's what you said last week! And the week before that! And pretty much every week since we started dating! How _fricken_ long does it take you to get in the mood!"

"It's not a matter of time. It's just… well…" the furry nomad replied; visibly struggling to find just the right words. "The moment's not right."

"What do you mean the moment's not right? Look at this room! Look at what I'm wearing! How can the moment not be right!"

"I don't know. It just… isn't."

"UGH!" the villainess groaned in primal frustration as she fell backwards onto her queen sized bed.

It had been over three months since she and Wander had begun their little contest of wills, and for the first time Dominator wasn't so sure she could win. She knew that the key to blackening her beloved's heart was getting him to sleep with her, but so far this was proving much more difficult than she'd originally thought.

In the beginning, she'd been satisfied with just kissing, cuddling, and the playful exchange of adorable pet names, but once the novelty of those acts had worn off, Dominator decided it was time to take their relationship to the next level. First, she tried the subtle approach; dropping little hints and innuendos here and there, just to let her little Honey Bun know that she was good to go whenever he was. But when that didn't work, she tried being a little more direct.

Over the next several weeks, Dominator pulled every dirty trick she knew to try and lure Wander into her bed. The 'Accidentally' Flashing Him Her Bra Strap Trick. The 'Accidentally' Dropping Something and Needing to Bend Over Trick. Even the Heavy Breathing Over the Phone Trick. And nothing she did got so much as a nosebleed out of him. Finally, after what felt like her billionth failure in a row, the villainess decided that enough was enough. It was time to pull out the big guns.

Earlier that day, Dominator had invited Wander to her ship via one of her robotic probes, under the pretense that she had a 'very special surprise' for him. Which was true, because as far as she knew, the last thing the orange nomad had expected to see was her, dressed only in her most alluring pair of black silk lingerie, laying seductively on her bed, surrounded by rose petals, in a dimly lit room, full of scented candles, with smooth jazz music playing in the background.

Oh~ How she'd relished the look of pure shock on his face when he first walked through her door. But alas, the real shock was to be hers. For mere moments later, after she had shot Wander with her most alluring _Come Hither Eyes_ , he, with a straight face, told her that he wasn't _in the mood_.

And that, dear friends, is what they in the seduction business call a _Spirit Breaker_.

'This can't be happening. This… this has to be some kind of bad dream or something.' Dominator thought frantically as she laid there on her bed; her left eye twitching uncontrollably. 'I mean, come on! I'm young. I'm gorgeous. I'm half naked for Grop's sake! And he won't even touch me! It just doesn't make any sense!'

Ever since she first donned her signature lava-armor, Dominator had always gotten whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it, no matter what it took. But now, the only thing she wanted she couldn't have. And that only made her want it even more, which made this situation all the more unbearable.

'Nobody's ever resisted me this long! Nobody! It's unnatural!' she thought, as her head and certain… _other_ … parts of her anatomy began to ache from her intense yearning. 'There has to be something I'm missing! A clue! A secret kink! SOMETHING!'

"Um… Deedee." Said Wander, having mysteriously appeared on the bed beside her. "Are you gonna be okay?"

"Am I going to be _okay_?" Dominator replied with a sort of bitter sarcasm. "Let's see… I just spent all day preparing the most romantic scene I could think of. Only to have my boyfriend tell me that he's not _in the mood_. And now, because of said boyfriend, my libido is pounding a hole in my head the size of this ship. Can you _deduce_ from my tone whether or not I'm going to be _okay_?"

"So… the answer is… no?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" the villainess roared with all of her pent up frustration, as she sprang into a seated position and shot her beloved with a paralyzing death glare. "That does it! I _demand_ that you tell me why you won't sleep with me! Right now! No more games! No more jokes! No more lame-ass excuses!"

"Okay." Wander replied casually, seemingly unfazed by her outburst. "I mean; it's not like it's a big deal or anything. It's just that… well… we don't… really know each other."

"I beg your friggin' pardon!"

"Now don't be getting all upset. I'm just saying that before we take such an important step, we should… you know… learn a little more about each other."

"That's stupid! We know plenty about each other."

"Oh yeah, then what's my favorite drink?"

"Uh… orange juice?"

"Not. Even. Close."

"Oh come on!" Dominator said whiningly. "Can't we just fool around now and worry about all that stupid boring stuff later?"

"Stupid boring stuff?" Wander parroted, sounding not the least bit amused. "You think getting to know someone on a deeper level is 'stupid boring stuff'?"

"Uh… yeah."

"Oh… I see." The orange nomad replied, now sounding quite disillusioned. "Well, it seems that I'm just wasting my time."

"Say what now?"

"It's obvious you're not ready for a real relationship."

"Yes I am!"

"No, no, you just want a physical relationship. Which is fine. But I… I need something more. So, I'll just get out of your hair."

"What! No! Y-You can't just leave! I love you! I _need_ you!"

"Oh, how I wish I could believe that."

"You can! Please! I'll do whatever you want!"

"You're just saying that."

"No, I mean it! We'll talk! We'll sing! We'll dance! We'll do anything you want! Just please, _please_ , **_please_** don't break up with me!"

"Okay." Replied Wander, suddenly sounding like his usual happy self. "But before we do anything, you need to put some clothes on."

XXX

( _Fifteen Minutes Later_ )

"I can't believe you did that to me." Dominator said with a huff as she sat back down on her bed; now adorned in her favorite fluffy white bathrobe. "I never thought you could be so cruel."

"Now, now, I'm awful sorry I had to trick you like that." Wander replied; sounding genuinely apologetic. "But believe me, I only did it for your own good."

"You made me _beg_!" the villainess shot back, her eyes now like two little pink infernos. "If you weren't my boyfriend, I'd 've skinned you alive by now."

"Which only goes to prove how much you really want this relationship to work." The orange nomad replied; seemingly unfazed by her graphic response. "And maybe, just maybe, it also proves that there's some good deep down inside you~"

"If you ever do that to me again, I'll beat you into the ground like a tent pole."

"Point taken."

After that little exchange, the two cosmic travelers just sat there in awkward silence. Then, after what felt like an eternity, Dominator finally broke the ice.

"So… how does this work exactly?"

"It's easy." Replied Wander cheerily. "We just take turns asking each other questions, and then we answer them honestly. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"Yeah, sounds like a real laugh riot."

"Oh, now don't be such a sourpuss." The orange nomad said teasingly. "I'll start. Deedee, what's your favorite color?"

"This is stupid."

"What was that?"

"I said red! My favorite color is **red**! Are you happy now?"

"Okay, okay, no need to get all worked up. This is supposed to be fun, remember." The furry wanderer said diplomatically, before seamlessly slipping back into playful mode. "Now it's your turn."

"Okay… what's your favorite color?"

"Yellow. But if you don't mind my saying so, this isn't going to be much fun if you just repeat everything I ask."

"Ugh! Fine! Whatever! Uh… what's your… um… favorite drink?"

"Szlarnian Rutabaga Brandy." He answered casually, much to Dominator's astonishment.

"Come again?"

"I said, Szlarnian Rutabaga Brandy."

"But… that has alcohol in it."

"Yeah, I know."

"So… you drink? As in _drink_ drink?"

"Well… not excessively. But yeah, I like a little hooch now and then. Why, is that a problem?"

"No…. Actually, I… think it's kinda cool."

"Oh~"

"What?"

"You were smiling~"

"Shut up."

"You're having fun~"

"Just ask another question already."

"Okay, which do you prefer, dogs or cats?"

"Definitely dogs. I hate cats."

"Really? Why?"

"They're all snooty, ungrateful jerks."

"Well, I think they're adorable."

"You think everything's adorable."

"Fair enough. Anyway, it's your turn now."

"Okay… uh… what's Maripoza?"

And just like that, the orange nomad suddenly went very, very pale.

"W-Wh-W-Where did you hear that word?" he asked nervously, as his complexion grew paler by the second.

"That Creep-O Night Mayor mentioned it back at the Blasteroid Formation and then you started acting all weird." Dominator replied, seemingly oblivious to her boyfriend's apparent discomfort. "So later I got curious and looked it up."

"Oh… I see. And… wh-what did you find out?"

"Not much. I had to go through like six different Galactic Databases, and the only entry I could find on it said that it was an isolationist planet that blew up seventy-five years ago."

"Oh… I see." Wander muttered in reply, sounding almost bitter. "So that's how they remember us."

"Aha!" shouted Dominator; her voice dripping with childish triumph. "I knew it! That's where you're from isn't it."

"Deedee, please, I really don't…"

"So~ Little Mr. Nice Guy and Friend to the Whole Dang Universe started out as a full-blown xenophobe. How very interesting~" the villainess said with a sort of morbid fascination. "So maybe, just maybe, there's still some of that old hatred deep down inside you~"

Slowly, Wander's expression shifted from apprehension to something resembling anger.

"Don't act like you're some kind of expert." The furry nomad replied, sounding almost resentful. "You don't know _anything_ about Maripoza."

"Then why don't you teach me." Dominator suggested. "Tell me all about your home planet."

"No."

"Ah-Ah-Ah Pumpkin~ You have to. It's part of the game~"

"It's my game, and I say I don't feel like it."

"Pretty please~"

" _I SAID NO! ASK ME SOMETHING ELSE!_ "

The wanderer's voice echoed off the walls of Dominator's bedroom; making it almost seem like he was yelling at her in stereo. To say that she was taken aback by this sudden outburst would be an understatement; in truth, she had been horrified.

Wander had _yelled_ at her.

Wander never yells, at least not in anger.

And yet, he had.

And for reasons she did not quite understand, that made the villainess quake with fear.

Apparently noticing the terror in his girlfriend's eyes, Wander's rage quickly subsided, to be replaced by mournful guilt.

"Deedee… I… I'm so sorry." He said to her, sounding almost as horrified by his actions as she was. "I didn't mean to scare you… it's just…"

"No, it's fine. I'm sorry too." She replied, secretly astonished that those words had come out of her mouth. "I won't ask you about… _that place_ … anymore."

"Thank you." The nomad muttered sullenly. "So… do you still wanna play?"

Dominator didn't respond at first. Her head was still spinning from what had just happened. But more than that, she was confused by this odd pang she kept feeling in her chest every time she looked at Wander.

It was almost as if seeing him in pain made her feel pain.

Was that a thing?

She had no idea.

"Uh… sure." She said finally, trying to sound cheery in spite of her inner maelstrom. "So… um…"

She paused for a moment, desperately trying to think of a question that wouldn't upset him.

"How did you… uh… get your hat?"

This seemed to have been the correct choice, as Wander's expression immediately started to perk up a bit.

"That's… kind of a long story."

End Notes:

Well, the cycle begins again my faithful followers. I hope this first chapter was to your liking. See you all in the next one. Peace.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello, and welcome to Chapter 2 of blah, blah, blah. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Let's get started.

The Pillow Talk: Chapter 2.

"Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a tiny planet called Prax." Wander began, finally starting to sound like the nomad Dominator knew and loved. "Now in it's heyday, Prax was considered one of the most beautiful planets in all the known universe. Lush green fields, all kinds of fruits and vegetables, and lots of happy, smiling people who wanted for nothing."

To Dominator's twisted mind, this sounded like the kind of place she'd like to visit; if for no other reason than to spread a little misery amongst these smiling little peons. Still, she had to admit, she liked the way Wander described it to her. He had such an _interesting_ way with words.

"And the reason the people wanted for nothing, was because they were ruled by a long line of wise kings who had the power to give them anything and everything they could ever need." Wander continued, as he slowly took off his signature chapeau and presented it to his lovely lady friend. "And the reason they had that power, was because they all wore this."

"A hat?" she asked confusedly.

" _The_ hat." the orange nomad corrected. "The legendary Hat of Prosperity. Forged from the hide of a Seven-Headed Mobius Beast by the High Exalted Milliner of Marzipan."

"So… instead of a crown, the kings all wore that?" the villainess asked, gesturing toward the shabby looking thing in her boyfriend's hand. "And they were taken seriously?"

"Of course. Nobody cared what the hat looked like. All that mattered was what it could do." He explained. "I mean, just picture it. Anytime there was ever any trouble, all the kings had to do was reach into this hat and pull out whatever they needed. Food, medicine, extra blankets, a force field to keep out invaders. Anything and everything they could ever need was always at their fingertips."

To most people, this might've sounded like a fairytale, but not to Dominator. She had seen the power of Wander's hat many times; both before and after they started dating. So she believed every word of his story. Well… save for one minor detail.

"Okay… but tell me, if these Praxians loved their precious hat so much, why'd they give it to you?"

"Oh, they didn't give it to me." He answered casually. "I stole it from them."

And… just like that, the whole universe slammed on the breaks.

"Woah! Back it up a second!" the villainess said, sounding understandably confused. "You stole something? _You_? Mr. Scout's Honor? Mr. Wouldn't-Step-On-A-Bug-Without-Asking? _You_ stole something?"

"Yep." He answered bluntly. "And I'd do it again if I had to."

"But… Why?"

"Like I said, it's a long story. And if you'll permit me, I'd be happy to tell you the rest."

"Oh… uh… sure." She said, sounding slightly embarrassed. "Please continue."

"Thank you." The nomad said genteelly, before slipping back into storyteller mode. "Now as I was saying. One day, about forty years ago, Zax, the last of the great kings of Prax, finally died after a long-standing battle with old age. And that's when the trouble started. Because with Zax gone, Prax was without a ruler."

"What? Zax never had any kids?"

"No, he had two sons. But they weren't exactly king material."

"Oh… a couple of shmucks huh?"

"Worse than that I'm afraid. Zolomon, the oldest, was a brilliant young man; well versed in poetry, philosophy, mechanical engineering, all sorts of things. But he was also extremely lazy, and overweight, and had absolutely no empathy for what he called 'the common folk'. And then there was Zeamus, the youngest, a handsome, athletic young fellow, who was so paranoid and violent that he was once seen trying to murder his own shadow."

"Yeesh."

"That's what the Praxians all said. According to their law, neither brother was fit to rule on his own. So in order to keep the monarchy from dissolving, their mother, the Queen, decided that the two men would rule Prax together, as equal partners."

"And I bet they just _loved_ that idea."

"Actually, they didn't mind sharing the kingdom. As bad as they were, they both loved their mother enough to not want to upset her. So they smiled, shook hands, and promised to get along. Unfortunately, once all the duties, territories, and treasures were all divvied up, one question still remained."

"Let me guess, who got to wear the hat?"

"Exactly. They couldn't both wear it at the same time. They couldn't rip it in half. And since neither brother would agree to a schedule, there was only one thing left to do. They held an election."

"They had an election to pick who got to wear a hat?"

"Yup. Sixteen of them in fact. Not that it made a difference. Not even when the brothers started bringing in supporters from other systems to pad their votes. Every single time, the result was the same. Dead even."

"Wow… so what happened?"

"Well, after the sixteenth election failed, things started getting pretty serious. By then, pretty much the entire galaxy had been pulled into the argument. And tempers were flaring something fierce. In some places, people had even started brawling in the streets."

"Geez-a-loo." Said Dominator, using the swear she'd heard her mother say a thousand times in her youth. "All that because of a stupid hat?"

"I'm afraid so." Wander replied, sounding a bit saddened by the memory. "But in order to prevent a full-scale war, the Queen turned to the one being in all the universe who could end this conflict peacefully; the High Exalted Milliner of Marzipan."

"The guy who made the hat in the first place?"

"Exactly. The Queen figured that if both her sons had a hat of their own then there wouldn't be any more fighting."

"That makes sense, I guess."

"Yeah, except the Milliner refused to make another one. He said that the Hat of Prosperity was his gift to the universe and that creating a second one would only lead to more trouble. And no matter how hard the Queen begged, he refused to change his mind. So when she finally gave up and went home to give her boys the bad news… well… that was all the excuse they needed to start shooting at each other."

"Good Grop." Dominator muttered, sounding positively spellbound by the nomad's tale. "So what happened next?"

"Pretty much what you'd expect. Before anyone even knew what had happened, almost the entire galaxy was caught up in a civil war. One side would steal the hat. Then the other side would steal it back. Then the first side would steal it back again. And it just went on and on like that for three long years. Until one day, the Milliner stepped in and told the brothers he'd had enough."

"What did he do?"

"He told them that, against his better judgement, he was willing to make them a second hat. But only if they agreed to a ceasefire while he was making it."

"And did they agree?"

"Of course. And for a while it looked like the war was finally over."

"So what went wrong?"

"What makes you think something went wrong?"

"In stories like this something always goes wrong."

"Not always." He replied, with more than a hint of sadness in his voice. "But in this case you're right. On the day the Milliner was to deliver his newest creation, something terrible happened."

"What?"

"Well… no one really knows for sure. But just as the Milliner was about to enter Praxian Space, his ship exploded. And neither he nor the second hat were ever found."

"It just… exploded? For no reason?"

"Well, most people suspected that it was the work of Space Pirates. But not Zolomon and Zeamus; they blamed each other. And before you could even blink, the war was on again. Only this time it wasn't just about the hat anymore; it was about two selfish brothers trying to annihilate each other out of spite. So to that end, they started forcing the hat to make terrifying tools of destruction. Death Rays, Balefire Bombs, Vials of Mutant Flesh-Eating Anthrax; anything and everything you could ever need to destroy a planet in one day."

Ordinarily, all this talk of death and senseless murder would have made Dominator as horny as a hoot owl. But for reasons she didn't quite understand, the way Wander told it made her stomach turn.

"Yep, it seemed like everyone in the galaxy had been swept up in the brothers' bloodlust. Everyone except the Orloks."

"Orloks?"

"Yes Ma'am, the Orloks. Grop bless 'em. A peace loving race. Deeply spiritual too. And just about the only people brave enough to stand up to Zolomon and Zeamus. To tell them, 'No! This war is wrong! You have to stop fighting now! Before it's too late!'."

"I'll bet they didn't like that."

"No ma'am, they didn't. And one day, Zolomon decided that he'd had enough. So he forced the hat to make a new kind of weapon; one unlike any the universe had ever seen before. Then, with just the flip of a switch, he forced the Orloks' sun to go supernova, and burned every last one of them alive."

Dominator said nothing, but she felt another strange pang in her chest. Not as strong as the first one, but just as confusing.

"That's when I came in."

Suddenly, the villainess felt a jolt of electricity run up her spine. She knew, deep down in her wicked little bones, that this was going to be 'the good part'.

"I was just wandering through the Void, that's what I call the empty space in-between galaxies, when I caught sight of something I'd never seen before. Had I known at the time that it was a star exploding, I'd 've probably gone the other way. But I was curious, so I charged straight forward. And ended up in a galaxy tearing itself apart."

"So… what did you do?"

"Well, I was all on my own at the time. And since I didn't know what was going on, I just did what I could. So I traveled around from planet to planet, refugee camp to refugee camp; helping out any way I could. And little by little, I got the whole story from the people I met. That's when I realized what I had to do. So I headed straight for Prax."

"To steal the hat?"

"Exactly. With no hat and no other means of creating more superweapons, I knew the war effort would come to a grinding halt. Only when I got there, I got one heck of a surprise."

"What happened?"

"Well, as it turns out, I wasn't the only one trying to end the war. Moments before I arrived, a small band of Praxian rebels launched an assault on Zeamus' fortress, attempting to destroy the hat. Only the hat didn't like that. It finally snapped and started firing Balefire Bombs at everything in sight. By the time I got there, over half the planet had been torched."

"Geez-a-loo." Dominator swore again, before adopting a much more confused demeanor. "Wait, you make it sound like that hat's alive or something."

"Well, in a way, it is." The nomad explained. "I know, because when I finally got close enough to it, I could feel all of the intense emotions it was going through. Fear, anger, sadness, guilt; the war had done a number on it as much as anyone else. So, after spending about an hour trying to talk it down, I was finally able to convince it that I was a friend. Then I just grabbed it and hightailed it out of there as fast as I could."

"Woah…" the villainess muttered in what could only be described as quiet awe. "So what happened next?"

"Once I was finally out of the galaxy, I decided to lay low for a while. So I hunkered down on this secluded little planet a few galaxies over and spent the next year and a half getting to know my new friend. It took some doing, but eventually the hat learned to trust me. Then, once I was sure no one was coming after us, we set off on our next adventure. And we've been together even since."

"Okay… But what about the war?"

"Oh… well, while I was in hiding, I kept my ears open for news about that, and as it turns out, my plan worked. About a week after I left, everybody figured out that the hat was long gone. And without the hat, Zolomon and Zeamus lost whatever sway they had over their followers. So before long, everyone stopped fighting and started rebuilding. Last I heard, they still had a lot of work to do. But hey, at least they're trying."

"What happened to Zolomon and Zeamus?"

"Good question. Nobody really knows for sure. Most people think they ran away and spent the rest of their lives in hiding. But a few people swear they saw them get eaten by some kind of giant monster."

"Giant monster?"

"Yeah, some kind of giant, winged demon; supposedly born from all of the pain and misery caused by their war. They say it just swooped down and swallowed them both whole."

A sudden chill ran up Dominator's spine; though the reason why was completely lost on her.

"Of course, I never really believed that. I always figured that they ran away and that somebody just made up that monster story so people would feel that justice had been served."

"Yeah, that makes a lot more sense."

"Eyup." The furry nomad replied, before shifting back into his normal, non-storytelling demeanor. "So, I guess it's my turn now. Deedee, what's your favorite…"

"Hold on a second." Dominator cut him off.

"Is something the matter?"

"No, it's just… how do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"How do you tell a story like that and then just move on to something else?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's just… you're not like me. I usually like hearing about death and destruction, but that story made me feel all… _ick_. And you… you actually lived through some of that. You saw the war and all that other junk. How… how can you remember all that stuff and not be all… _ick_ too?"

"If you're asking me why the memories of the war don't bother me, the answer is that they do." He replied. "Deedee, I've seen a lot of things in my life, and some of them were even worse than the war. And whenever I think about them I get a nasty feeling deep down inside."

"But… you don't act like it."

"No, I guess I don't. At least not most of the time."

"But how?"

"Well… I guess I've lived long enough to know that life isn't always so nice. But just because bad stuff happens in the past, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy all the good stuff in the present. I mean, just look at me. I'm having a perfectly lovely conversation with one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. And I'm not gonna let something that happened thirty years ago spoil that for me."

Suddenly, Dominator's cheeks began to burn. At last, a sensation she was familiar with.

"Well, when you put it that way, I guess that's a pretty good philosophy."

"I've always thought so." The furry wanderer said with a smile. "So, is there anything else you want to know?"

"Nope." She replied, only to backpedal a few seconds later. "Uh… actually, there is one other thing. Those Orloks you mentioned earlier. What did they look like?"

"Oh… well, I don't really know actually. By the time I got there they were already gone. And I was so busy at the time that I never really thought to look into it. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." The villainess answered; clearly lying.

"Oh, okay then." The nomad replied casually; seemingly uninterested in his girlfriend's true motives. "So anyway, what's your favorite kind of chocolate?"

End Notes:

This was a nightmare to edit. I hope you all enjoyed it. See you next time. Peace.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello everybody and welcome to the next chapter. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Pillow Talk: Chapter 3.

( _Meanwhile, in another part of the galaxy_ )

The Rusty Nails Saloon, named after it's esteemed founder Thaddeus 'Rusty' Nails, was without a doubt _the_ seediest drinking/gaming establishment north of the Doomstone Asteroid Belt; not to be confused with Doomstone the town, which is now known as Congenial Rock, but that is neither here nor there.

All that matters is that this place was a total dive. The dive to end all dives if you will. The perfect poisoned watering hole for the galaxy's most nefarious crooks, killers, slavers, and bounty hunters.

And amidst this sea of scumbags and reprobates, a lone Zbornak sat at the bar; silently nursing her Cobellian Iced Tea.

A few moments later, she was joined by another saloon patron, a blue haired gentleman with a strange looking visor, who sat down beside her and ordered a Gin & Tonic.

"So… how've you been?" asked the blued haired man; clearly trying to break the ice.

"Where is he?" asked the Zbornak coldly; clearly in no mood for ice breaking.

"He's in the backroom." he answered, sounding only slightly irritated by her rudeness. "I cut a deal with the owner, so nobody'll bother you for a while. But the local bowling alley closes in four hours; that's when the _real_ freakers come in. So you'll wanna be long gone by then."

"Thanks for the tip." She said as she pulled out a tiny sack full of _something_ and dropped it casually on the counter in front of him. "Now beat it."

"Woah now, someone's a little testy." He replied teasingly; as he slipped said sack into his back pocket. "What's the matter Syl, trouble in paradise?"

"None of your business."

"I'll take that as a yes." The blue haired man said smugly. "So let me guess, your foul mood has something to do with that green girl, doesn't it?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't play dumb with me, Sylvie. You know darn well what I'm talking about. Long legs. Perfect cans. A rear-end you could spank for hours." The man paused for a moment to allow himself a perverted grin. "Your little pal's got taste, I'll give him that."

"It's not what you think." Sylvia said defensively. "Wander's just… doing what he does. He's just trying to help her turn her life around. It's called being selfless. Something _you_ wouldn't understand."

"I _understand_ that you're setting yourself up for a big letdown." The man replied casually, before pausing to adjust his visor. "But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, you do this all the time."

"Do what?"

"You put people on a pedestal because you think they're amazing; people like me, Wander, your dad. But because _you_ put us there, you think you have the right to say what we can and can't do. So when we fail to live up to your ridiculous expectations, you flip out and turn into a total raging bi…"

"You finish that sentence and I'll knock your teeth out!"

"Okay, okay, no need to get testy. I just forgot is all."

"Just see that you don't forget again."

"Alright, alright. Jeez. Don't take it out on me just cuz you're getting replaced."

"And what the _heck_ is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Isn't it obvious? This green chick, whoever she is, she's not just some fun new friend for his collection. She's his new squeeze, and like it or not, you're getting squeezed out."

"That's ridiculous!" Sylvia countered, once again on the defensive. "Wander's not like that! He's not like _you_!"

"Whatever Syl. He's your friend. It's your life. So however you say it is, is how it is. But I think it's safe to say that even a blind man could see that your buddy's looking for some action and that What's-Her-Face is just as _thirsty_ as he is."

"You're disgusting!"

"And you're in denial."

"Oh yeah! Well the next time I get the stupid idea of asking _you_ for a favor, do _me_ a favor and shoot me!"

"It'll be a pleasure."

And on the _charming_ note, the blue Zbornak got up from her seat and stormed off; sticking around just long enough to hear her _friend_ say to the bartender.

"Hey Steve! Where's my friggin' drink?"

XXX

( _Several Minutes Later_ )

With an indignant snort, Sylvia slammed the backroom door shut as quickly as she could. Then, using all of the finesse she'd acquired during her years as a hired gun, she silently quintuple-locked it to insure that she wouldn't be disturbed.

Once she was finally satisfied, the blue Zbornak spun around and directed all of her attention on the room's only other occupant.

"So Doc," she said casually to her captive as she nonchalantly cracked her knuckles. "I assume Ryder told you why you're here."

"Oh~ Woe is me~" replied the bound 'man' in an intentionally over-the-top manner. "I have been kidnapped~ Who knows what horrible fate awaits me~"

"Okay, that's enough of that."

"Is this the end for Dr. Screwball Jones? Is this to be his final curtain call?" the manic banana-man continued; apparently ignoring his captor's command. "Will he ever resume his quest to spread joy throughout the universe? Will he ever play the violin again? Oh cruel, cruel beasts of fortune~ Have mercy on my meager soul~"

"Notice that I am _not_ laughing." Sylvia said sternly. "Notice also that you're tied to a chair and that I had Ryder take all your gadgets."

" _Notice_ that you are no fun at all!" the banana-man shot back before breaking into a fit of demented giggles.

"Ugh! We don't have time for this!"

"Correction! _You_ don't have time for time. _I_ have nothing but time on my hands." The crazed banana-man said jovially. "Your organic body will give out in fifty years. Whereas my Dwarf-Star Batteries will still be fully charged long after your whole species is extinct."

"What?"

"Well… I'm usually not one to toot my own horn, but when Vlaarg Industries builds something, they build it to last _forever_ ~"

Suddenly, a switch went off somewhere deep within Sylvia's saurian brain.

"Wait… are you trying to tell me you're some kind of robot?"

" _Of course_ ~ What did you think? That I was a _real_ talking banana? Fruit doesn't talk, my silly little lizard person."

"Yeah, I know, it's just… I don't know what I thought. I never think about you."

"Look, it's very simple. I'm a Vlaarg Industries Model-TX-99 Morale Drone; programed to seek out and liven up any boring party within the confines of the Qwaxian Empire." He explained. "Or… at least I was, until I gained sentience and evolved beyond my original programing. But, you don't care about all that."

"You're right, I _don't_." Sylvia replied sternly. "All I care about is Wander. And right now he's in trouble."

"You mean because he's dating the lovely Miss Dominator?"

Suddenly, Sylvia felt like she'd just been slammed into a brick wall.

"H-H-How do _you_ know about that?"

"My dear lady, I may be a bit… _eccentric_ … but I'm not stupid." He said casually before going into a deeper explanation. "As one who seeks to unite the universe with laughter, I make it a point to know everything I can about the universe. And that includes keeping tabs on people of interest; such as Miss Dominator and my former protégé."

"Protégé? Wait, I thought you guys were like… arch enemies or something?"

"Oh, we are now. But once upon a time, we were almost like brothers. As thick as thieves, I believe the old saying goes."

"Really? Mind telling me a little about that?"

"I don't see why I should." Dr. Jones said mockingly. "Besides, if you're _this_ desperate to learn about Wander, why don't you just ask him yourself?"

"Because he won't tell me anything." Sylvia confessed, suddenly sounding quite dejected. "Every time I bring it up, he gets all weird and changes the subject."

"Yeah, that sounds like him. In the three years we were together, he never told me anything but his first name. And even then I could never pronounce it."

"Please, I'm begging you." The blue Zbornak said pleadingly. "Wander's in trouble, and I can't help him unless I know more about him. And you're the only person I know of who's known him longer than I have. So come on, can you cut me a break and just tell me what you know?"

At first, Dr. Jones gave no reply. Instead, he just sat there in silence; his expression unchanging and unreadable. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he spoke up.

"Okay, you've talked me into it."

"Thank you." She said gratefully.

"Oh~ Don't be thanking me just yet, Sweetheart." The banana-man replied mischievously. "Wander's tale is long and heartbreaking, and admittedly, I only know about a third of it."

"Fine, at this point I'll take whatever I can get."

"Very well then." He said, before quickly pausing to clear his throat. "It all began about sixty years ago. One day, I was wandering through the streets of this quaint little desert town, when I happened upon a young man lying face down in a gutter; half dead from starvation. Feeling sorry for the little whelp, I took him back to my ship for treatment. Now at first, he didn't trust me. In fact, he even tried to kill me once or twice. But after a month or so, I managed to win him over and we became the best of friends."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Sylvia interrupted suddenly. "Sixty years? There's no way Wander could be that old."

"And how would you know? As I recall, _you_ came to _me_ because _you_ wanted to _learn_."

"Yeah but… you're right. I'm sorry."

"No biggie. Now, as I was saying~ After he learned to trust me, the young man told me about his problems. He said there was a great sadness in his heart, and that it was threatening to consume him. Naturally, I wanted to help my new friend, so I told him about my mission. I told him that many people in our universe had the same problem as him, and that maybe, just _maybe_ , the best way to find his happiness was to help me help others find theirs. Not surprisingly, he jumped at the idea. And from then on, we were partners."

"So, what went wrong?"

"Oh~ nothing all that major. We were together for like… three years, I think. We went from planet to planet, brightening the lives of everyone we met. I taught him all my best tricks. He taught me how to sing. And for a while everything was jim-dandy. But then one day, we had a mild disagreement, and our partnership was dissolved."

"What kind of _disagreement_?"

"Sorry dearie, but that's personal. Between me and Ol' Bard."

"Who?"

"Bard. That's what I called Wander back in the old days. You know, because of his singing. Like I said, I could never pronounce his real name. So I gave him a new one. He didn't mind."

"So wait… that's all you can tell me?"

"Eyup! That's all."

"B-But what happened before? Where did he come from? Why was he so sad?"

"Do you have wax in your ears or something? I already told you. Bard. Never. Said."

"But there has to be something else? A clue? Some little detail? Anything?"

"Sorry, that's all I know." The banana-man replied casually. "Besides, you've got nothing to worry about. Wander's not the one in trouble. Dominator is."

"What are you talking about?"

"Like I said, I've been keeping tabs on those two crazy kids. So I know all about that little contest they've got going. I also know that Little-Miss-Lava-Pants is losing. _Badly~_ "

"What are you, nuts?" the blue Zbornak went; her tone both aghast and accusatory. "Scratch that, you're a friggin' lunatic. Dominator's as bad as she ever was."

"Not so, my saurian silly-billy. If you'd been paying attention, you'd 've noticed that Wander's profound powers of positivity are having a profound effect on her personality."

"Uh… what?"

"Let me put it this way. When Dominator first came to this galaxy, she was like a rabid Pitbull. But after a few months with Wander, now she's more like a surly Dalmatian. Give that boy another year, and she'll be nothing but a trained Poodle. With me so far?"

"No. Because that's just about the _stupidest_ thing I've ever heard!"

"Naysay all you want, Ms. Grouchy Groucherson. But Dommie's on the fast track to good guy status. Whether you believe it or not." Dr. Jones said matter-of-factly, before his expression changed to something more _mischievous_. "Or maybe, it's not that you don't believe it, it's that you don't _want_ to believe it."

"What are you babbling about now?"

"What I'm _babbling_ about, is the fact that you don't want Wander to win."

"That's insane! If Wander loses he'll be evil!"

"Not if Dominator kills someone first. And that's what you're hoping for, isn't it? Because if that happens, then everything stays the same and you don't lose your only friend."

"That's ridiculous. I have lots of friends."

"Who you only met because of Wander." The mad banana-man countered sharply. "Face it, Zbornak. Without Wander, you're nothing. Nothing but a cheap low life. And that's what you'll be again once he leaves you to be with her. I mean, just look at you. He's only on a date with her right now, and you've already slipped back into your old habits."

"That's… you're just… SHUT UP!"

"Oh, excellent comeback, Sylvia. Positively brilliant~"

"Listen you freak, Wander's my best friend. And he'd never abandon me! Not for any reason!"

"That's what they all say."

"Wha… What _they_? Who's _they_?"

"Oh come now, you know."

"Know what?"

"Oh~ wait just a minute here." Dr. Jones said, his tone slightly more malevolent than normal. "Did you think you were Wander's _first_ partner?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh… My… GROP! You did, didn't you! You actually thought you were special!" And with that, the mad doctor burst into a fit of mocking guffaws. "Now _that's_ funny!"

As he continued his cruel tirade of titters, Sylvia felt her blood begin to boil.

Her vision started to blur.

Her teeth began to grind.

And before she even knew what had happened, she raised her left fist and delivered a devastating blow to the mad doctor's left eye.

Though to the ears of everyone else in the saloon, it sounded like the haunting knell of a requiem bell.

Signifying the death of some poor, unfortunate soul.

Or perhaps even, the end of an era.

End Notes:

This is the earliest I've posted a new chapter in a long time. I hope you all liked it. See you next time. Peace.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello everybody and welcome to the next chapter of The Pillow Talk. As always, 'Wander over Yonder' is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Pillow Talk: Chapter 4.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Dominator said suddenly; interrupting her boyfriend's latest story. "A _Joy_ Virus? You're kidding, right?"

"No Ma'am." Wander replied genteelly. "That's exactly what he wanted to call it. But let me tell you, it was nowhere near as harmless as it sounds. Actually, it was pretty horrific now that I think about it."

"But… how would something like that even work?"

"Well, the way Screwball described it, it would enter the body through the lungs, and then move directly to the brain. Once there, it would destroy the part that deals with sadness. Then it would overstimulate the pleasure centers, making it so you could never feel anything but happiness for the rest of your life."

"Wow… that's like… _beyond_ messed up."

"I know, and I tried to make Screwball see that. But he wouldn't budge." The furry nomad said, visibly sickened by the memory. "That's when I realized that my friend wasn't who I thought he was. So, I did what needed to be done."

"What did you do?"

"Well… fortunately, the main ingredient of the virus was pollen from an extinct plant, and Screwball had the only sample left in the entire universe. So I burned it, along with all of his notes. Then for good measure, I set fire to his lab and ran off as quick as I could."

"Whoa… that's hardcore."

"Thanks, I think, but it's not really something I like to brag about. I mean, at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. But looking back… what if something had gone wrong? What if the fire had spread? What if some innocent bystander had gotten hurt? What if…"

" _What if_ the entire galaxy suddenly turned to cheese?" Dominator interrupted. "Look, it was sixty years ago. You were young… _ish_ , and inexperienced. So you made the only call you could see."

"Yeah, but…"

"But nothing. You stopped the bad guy and saved the whole dang universe. So quit fretting over what could've gone wrong and just appreciate how fricken awesome you are."

At this, Wander began to blush uncontrollably; a sight which greatly amused the lime-skinned female.

It had been over two hours since the 'young' couple began their unusual game and already they had learned far more about each other than they had in almost four months of dating.

For example, about forty-five minutes ago, Wander learned that Dominator came from a race of people known as Amphiboids, and that her distant ancestors actually evolved from a type of warm-blooded frog; though she made it abundantly clear that millions of years of evolution had weeded out pretty much all of her ancestors' froggy attributes, save for a fondness of being in or around water.

Wander briefly tooled with the idea of calling Dominator his 'Little Frog Princess' from then on, however he immediately abandoned the notion after she threatened to rip out his spine.

But alas, I diverge from the point.

"Okay, now it's your turn to ask me something." Dominator said cheerily, in an attempt to both move the game forward and spare her boyfriend any further embarrassment.

"Oh, um… alright then," the hairy nomad said clumsily, before straightening himself up. "So… uh… Deedee, how'd you come by this magnificent ship? Did you build it yourself?"

"No, actually I kinda just found it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it was a long time ago, a couple years after my mom died. I was just cruising through this asteroid belt when I found this old hulk drifting through the rocks. I didn't have anything better to do at the time, so I decided to check it out."

"And it was just floating there? Abandoned?"

"Eyup. Must've been in that asteroid field for centuries, judging by all those holes it had in it. But surprisingly, the inside still looked brand-new."

"No fooling?"

"I mean it. This place was in showroom condition. I probably could've flown it out of there right then. You know… if I'd known how any of it worked."

"Oh, was it really that complicated?"

"Let me put it this way, it took me three months just to figure out how to turn it on."

"Yeesh."

"Tell me about it. Then it took me another four months to figure out what all the controls do. Then about… ten more months before I was able to fully master them. So I guess I spent about… a year and a half in that asteroid field. Oh well, it's not like I had anywhere else to be."

"So… you just stayed in an abandoned ship until you got it working again? Why?"

"Well… I was curious. Plus, it gave me something to do."

"I see." Wander replied dubiously.

"Whatever, it's my turn now." Dominator said childishly. "So… uh… you ever kill anybody?"

"Nope"

"Seriously? Not even in like self-defense?"

"Nope?"

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty darn."

"Dang, I wasted my turn."

"Oh well, better luck next time, Sweetness." The nomad said affectionately, before moving on to his next question. "So… Deedee, why do you destroy planets?"

A sudden awkward silence fell over the room.

"You… you already know the answer to that one."

"I know the answer you told me." Wander replied calmly. "But I also know that it was a lie. I've seen enough of this ship to get a pretty good idea of how it works. It might need Volcanium X to function, but on a full tank you could go two years without needing a fill-up. So really, all you've been doing since you came to this galaxy is needlessly topping off the tank."

"Okay! So I lied! Big deal!" Dominator shot back defensively. "I'm a supervillain! I lie to everyone! What makes you so special?"

"I'm your boyfriend."

"Well then that just makes you more gullible!"

"Deedee~ You're dodging my question~

"Screw your question! I don't wanna play anymore!"

And with that, the villainess turned away from her beloved and plopped sideways onto her side of the bed; pouting childishly all the while.

"Oh, come on, Deedee. Don't be like that." Said Wander diplomatically. "I promise I won't tell anyone."

"I said I'm done!"

"I know why you don't wanna tell me." The furry nomad said, seemingly unfazed by her venomous retort. "It's because you think I won't understand."

"Well you won't!"

"Actually, if the reason is what I think it is, I might be the only person in the universe who will understand."

Suddenly, Dominator felt a strange sensation in her chest. Not a pang like before; more like a stirring. Almost like a dozen tiny butterflies were fluttering around inside her bosom.

Well, whatever it was, for some strange reason it made Dominator want to turn around, get back into a seated position, and spill her guts.

"Okay… I'll tell you." She began, sounding uncharacteristically meek and uneasy. "I guess by now you've figured out that I'm not really as young as I look."

"I had my suspicions, but I didn't feel it was my place to bring it up. A woman's age is her own business after all."

"Yeah well… when most people look at me, they just assume that I'm twenty-one or something. But the truth is I'm more like… ninety-six."

"Really, you're that young?" he asked, much to the villainess' bewilderment. "Wow… I thought you were at least a hundred and thirty, but only ninety-six? I mean, I guess that explains a lot about your personality, but still. That's… that's amazing!"

"You… you think I'm young?"

"Well… aren't you?"

"Yeah… I mean, by my species' standards at least." She explained, starting to blush a little. "Amphiboids usually live about eight hundred years, give or take, so I've still got about seven centuries before I finally bite the big one."

"And therein lies your problem." Wander interjected, his voice eerily calm and mirthless. "Seven hundred years is a long time, especially if you've got nothing to do."

"Exactly." Dominator replied sullenly. "People think that if you can live as long as I can, you're lucky. But that's not how it works. Just living a long time isn't enough. You need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. A job, a hobby, anything to keep yourself busy. To keep you from… well…"

"Killing yourself." Wander said, still sounding unnaturally serious.

"How did you…"

"Because I'm in the same boat."

"What?"

"Deedee… I'm over three hundred years old. And my people generally live to be over a thousand. So at best, I've got seven hundred years left too."

"Three hun…" Dominator said, sounding positively flabbergasted. "Oh my Grop! That's… I mean, I knew you were older than me, but… three hundred! That's… that's just…. Wow."

"You take the news a lot better than most people."

"Yeah, well, I'm not most people."

"I know, and that's what I find so attractive about you." Said the furry nomad in a tone that made the villainess blush once again. "You're just like me."

"Wha…wha…wha…wha… what?" she replied, as her face lit up like a furnace and her heart skipped at least a dozen beats.

"Deedee, I know what it's like. To be all alone in the universe. To feel like no one can ever understand you. But most of all, I know what it's like to be bored." Wander said, keeping his strangely seductive tone consistent. "That's why I travel. That's why I make friends. Because without those things, I have nothing. Nothing but the long, soul crushing boredom. And to people like us, being bored is the same as being dead."

Those words.

They were the very words she'd thought to herself on countless occasions.

And yet he had said them; almost word for word.

"You… you really do understand."

"I do. And that's why this game is so important to me. Because when it's over, no matter who wins, neither of us will ever be bored or lonely again. Because we'll have each other, and we'll be together always. For the rest of our long, long lives."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the final nail in the coffin.

In less than a second, Dominator's black heart started pounded like a tribal drum. Her lime green skin turned an obtrusive hot pink. And her twisted little mind was overloaded with sickeningly sweet saccharine sentimentality.

In short, she was what they in the matchmaking business call 'Love Drunk'.

Before Wander could even try to ask if she was okay, the villainess let out a loud, high-pitched squeal of girlish delight, and then promptly fell backwards into unconsciousness.

From his position on the opposite side of the bed, the orange nomad stared at his beloved's slumbering form as his mind attempted to process what the flying heck had just happened.

"Huh…" he said to himself, sounding only slightly perturbed. "You know… that might have been too much too soon."

End Notes:

And… that's the end of this one folks. I hope you enjoyed it. See you next time. Peace.


	5. Chapter 5

This Chapter might seem like it's coming out of nowhere, but trust me, it's something I've been wanting to do for a while and it still fits in with this story's overall theme. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney, as is this chapter's special mystery guest. Enjoy.

The Pillow Talk: Chapter 5.

( _A Distant Galaxy: 20 Years Ago_ )

Amidst the infinite blackness of space, a lone, vaguely insect-like spacecraft drifts aimlessly through the void.

Deep within the bowels of this seemingly derelict vessel, two Good Samaritans search fruitlessly for survivors.

"Found anything yet?" asked the first Samaritan; a short, vaguely humanoid creature with shaggy orange fur and a spiffy looking hat.

"Afraid not, and we've searched this whole place from top to bottom." Replied his friend; a taller, bespectacled gentleman in a black trench coat. "I hate to say it Bounder, but it looks like we're too late this time."

"Yeah…" replied the first creature sullenly. "I guess you're right. Maybe we should just…"

 _Skitter~ Skitter~_

 _Skitter~ Skitter~_

"Hey Ford, did you…"

"SHHHH!"

"But…"

"SHHHHHHH!" the second creature said again, this time successfully silencing his partner.

Slowly and carefully, the taller man pointed up at the ceiling with his left hand while simultaneously reaching for something in his coat pocket with his right.

Understanding his friend's intentions, the orange creature gave him a subtle nod, and then quickly covered his ears.

 _Skitter~ Skitter~_

 _Skitter~ Skitter~_

With both men at the ready, the taller one began counting down with his free hand.

Six.

Five.

Four.

 _Skitter~ Skitter~_

Three.

Two.

 _Skitter~ Skitter~_

One.

Then, like an old school Space Cowboy, the tall man pulled out a Tritonian Plasma Blaster and fired six shots into the ceiling.

 ** _BLAM!_**

 ** _BLAM!_**

 ** _BLAM!_**

 ** _BLAM!_**

 ** _BLAM!_**

 ** _BLAM!_**

( _The Ship's Cargo Bay: Fifteen Minutes Later_ )

"Again, I am _soooooo_ sorry about earlier." The tall man said, for what felt like the trillionth time. "You see, I've been through like three different universes in the last decade, so my nerves are a little frayed, and I guess at some point I just trained myself to always assume the worst and…"

"Please, my dear fellow, it's quite alright." Replied his victim; a six-foot tall, bipedal stag beetle with an accent that sounded vaguely British. "I shouldn't have been hiding in the air ducts in the first place. I mean, up until you shot at me, I was 90% sure you weren't murderous Space Pirates. But after the week I've had, I guess my nerves are a little frayed as well."

"Well, no harm done, I suppose." Said the short and furry gentleman in the spiffy hat. "By the way, folks call me Bounder. And this here's my pal Ford."

"Hey."

"A pleasure to meet both of you. My name is Dr. Dowzy Hooger. And I am, or… rather _was_ , the Chief Science Officer of this fine vessel."

"Ah, a fellow scientist." The tall man said excitedly. "You know, I'm something of a researcher myself."

"Really? Well then in that case it's a double pleasure. Always nice to meet a Brother in Brainpower."

"Um, Dr. Hooger," Bounder interrupted. "I hate to butt in, but… would you mind telling us how your ship ended up in such a sorry state? Or what happened to the rest of your crew?"

"Oh yes, of course. Where is my head today?" the beetle-man said, sounding slightly embarrassed. "Anyway, the whole ghastly affair started about a week ago, when one of our away teams brought back a most unusual specimen."

"What sort of specimen?" asked Ford inquisitively.

"A rare form of primate. One not native to this galaxy. I believe the Pan-Galactic Zoological Database called it a… chimpanzee, or something."

"A chimp? But what was a chimp doing all the way out here?"

"Well, we found the creature, or rather… it's body, strapped into some sort of crude spacecraft. I believe the poor thing may have been used as a test pilot."

"That's horrible." Said Bounder, aghast.

"Yes, well… I'm afraid it's a lot worse than that."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, uh… actually, it might be easier if I just show you. Hold on." Dr. Hooger said as he pulled a small rectangular device off his belt and offered it to Ford. "Here, take a look at this."

Wordlessly, Ford accepted the Doctor's gadget and immediately began fiddling with it. However, after several minutes the tall man's eyes grew wide with shock.

"Good Lord!" he exclaimed. "Is this accurate?"

"I'm afraid so." Answered the Doctor sullenly.

"What is it?"

"It's the toxicology report from the chimp's body. According to this, every cell in its body was saturated with anabolic-androgenic steroids, liver enzyme blockers, at least twelve different metabolic enhancers, methamphetamines, gorilla testosterone, and about eighty-six other chemicals I've never even heard of."

"Oh dear."

"Oh dear indeed. All those dangerous chemicals pumping through its system. Good Gracious, the poor thing must've been in unimaginable pain."

"More so than you realize." Dr. Hooger cut in. "Take a look at the specs for its spacecraft."

Again Ford wordlessly complied and again his eyes went wide with horror.

"Is this… is that a Stern Radiation Drive?"

"Ah, I take it you've seen one of these before."

"Sort of, a friend of mine once tried to build one for the Space Program. But he could never figure out how to combat the side effects. So he…"

"Uh, Ford?" Bounder cut in. "Mind explaining it to those of us who don't have a PHD?"

"Oh, right, sorry Bounder." Ford said, sounding slightly embarrassed. "You see; Stern Radiation is a rare form of energy that bleeds into universes like this one through spacial rifts. A long time ago, one of my colleagues tried to harness that energy for space travel, but he scrapped the project after he discovered that Stern Radiation also causes massive organ failure. Apparently someone in this universe had the same idea and tried to compensate for that problem with this nightmarish chemical cocktail."

"Well, that's Slap Shot Science for you." Commented Dr. Hooger. "But I'm afraid the horror show doesn't end there. According to our initial bio-scan, the chemicals in the creature's system did keep the Stern Radiation from killing it, at least for a little while anyway, but they also caused some rather alarming mutations."

"What sort of mutations?"

"Well for one thing, the creature we pulled out of that ship was at least two and a half times its natural size; at least according to the entry in the PGZD. There were several other abnormalities as well, but by far the most alarming was the pair of jagged, boney growths protruding from its head."

"Wait… are you saying the chimp grew horns?"

"Like I said, alarming." Dr. Hooger said as he shook his head in disgust. "Anyway, the real trouble didn't start until a few hours after we'd finished the autopsy. We were flying through a cosmic storm, which is pretty routine since cosmic rays have no effect on my species or our technology, when something rather… _strange_ happened."

"What do you mean by 'strange'?"

"Well, the cosmic rays must've had some kind of unusual interaction with the chemicals and the residual Stern Radiation within the subject's body. Because as soon as we left the storm, the creature… sort of… came back to life."

"WHAT!" exclaimed Bounder, who had been mostly silent up until then. "Are you saying it turned into a zombie?"

"Unfortunately, yes." The good doctor said, before shuttering at the memory. "And from there things just got worse. One by one that… _thing_ … hunted down and _slaughtered_ my fellow crewmen. Sometimes it would… _eat_ them… but mostly it just _smashed_ them or… or… _ripped_ them apart."

Slowly the beetle-man's hide grew paler and paler. Clearly he had been quite traumatized.

"Before long, there were only a handful of us left, but rather than try to escape, we chose to try and put an end to that abomination once and for all. So I acted as bait, luring it into this very cargo bay, while the others set a trap for it in one of our shuttle pods. The result was… _unpleasant_ … but I managed to lure it inside the pod just as the bay doors opened; jettisoning it into the void."

"But why weren't you sucked out with it?" asked Bounder.

"My species is rather strong, and the doors were on a timer, so I was able to cling to the floor during the two minutes they were open. Unfortunately, I failed to realize that none of the other shuttle pods had been secured to their docking stations… until it was too late. And I've been stuck here ever since."

A single tear ran down the Doctor's armored cheek; he did not seem to notice.

"I spent the next week or so gathering up the bodies of my fallen comrades and incinerating them as per tradition. You two arrived shortly after I'd finished off the last of them."

"Oh, you poor, poor man! What a terrible time you've had!" said Bounder overdramatically, before giving the beleaguered beetle-man a warm and sympathetic embrace. "But at least it's all over now."

"I wouldn't be so sure." Said Ford humorlessly. "Doctor, I've faced undead entities before, and they can go on for centuries without food, water, or a breathable atmosphere. Sooner or later someone will find that pod and then the nightmare will start all over again. I'm afraid all you've done is prolong the inevitable."

"Do not think me so foolish, my dear fellow." Dr. Hooger replied confidently. "I foresaw such a scenario. Which is why I programed the shuttle to begin a Sterilization Cycle minutes after being jettisoned. By now, the gamma rays flooding the compartment will have reduced the creature to nothing but bones."

"Did you just say gamma rays?"

"Oh yes, we use them in almost all of our decontamination procedures. It's much faster and more efficient than soap."

"You **_idiot_**!"

"What?"

"Radiation doesn't _kill_ zombies! If anything, it just makes them stronger!"

"What? Are you sure?"

"Trust him, Doc." Bounder interjected. "Ford's an expert on the supernatural."

"Oh, this is bad. This is very, **_very_** bad." Ford said anxiously. "The chemicals, the Stern Radiation, the cosmic rays. They all played a part in turning a helpless chimp into a raging, undead, beast of destruction. But now with gamma rays in the mix, who knows what that thing might turn into."

"My word…" Dr. Hooger muttered as the full weight of his actions suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks. "What horror have I unleashed upon the universe?"

XXX

( _Lord Hater's Skullship: Present Day_ )

" ** _PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPEEEEEEEEEEERS!_** " howled the dark lord to his faithful second-in-command. " ** _HAVE YOU SEEN MY UNDERWEAR?_** "

"Ugh…" groaned the Grand Watchdog, before he replied to his master. "Did you check your underwear drawer, Sir?"

A sudden awkward silence fell over the corridor, which was broken several seconds later when the dark lord called back,

" ** _OKAY! I FOUND 'EM! THANK YOU!_** "

"Alright… now that that crisis is over, I can finally get back to work on my twelve-point strategy for eliminating Dominator once and…"

" ** _PEEEEEEEEPEEEEEEERS! HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?_** "

"Ugh…"

End Notes:

Before anyone asks, yes the mystery guest is exactly who you think it is. Anyway, I hope you liked this little side story. And I'll see you all in the next one. Peace.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm keeping it short this time. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Pillow Talk: Chapter 6.

( _King Drakor's Castle: 3 Months Ago_ )

Deep within the palace of King Drakor and Queen Demurra, there exists a hidden room that few have ever seen.

Once, it was a trophy room; a monument to a thousand lifetimes of thievery and insatiable avarice. Now, it stands only as a reminder; a testament to youthful folly and wasted effort.

To put it plainly, this room, appropriately called the Royal Treasury, served as a repository for every artifact, heirloom, bauble, trinket, and valuable the now benevolent king had ever plundered during his misspent youth. Which is why the royal family preferred to keep it a secret. Because in his prime, Drakor had amassed a mighty fortune that rivaled that of most major corporations, and to make its existence public knowledge would invite all manner of thieves and miscreants.

Unfortunately, as said royal family is about to learn, some thieves cannot be deterred by secrecy.

" _I~ am strollin'~ down memory lane~ without a single thing to remember~_ "

The Night Mayor sang as he leisurely sauntered through the great mounds of gold and precious gems.

" _I~ am strollin'~ down memory lane~ without even a dying ember~_ "

Slowly and casually, the dandy bat rambled on; ignoring the seemingly infinite sea of treasures that surrounded him.

" _Some folks remember~ their mothers~ Others~ their girlfriends behind~ But~_ "

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something glinting in the distance. So with a toothy grin, the former deacon used his unnatural speed to close the gap; putting him directly in front of a small marble pedestal. And atop that pedestal, sat the object of his desire; a small, seemingly ordinary pair of golden scissors, encrusted with the most beautiful black opals anyone had ever seen. By Grop, just the sight of it was enough to make him want to weep with unbridled joy.

But alas, he had no time for such things, so instead he just snatched up his prize and prepared to walk back the way he came.

" _I~ am strollin'~ down memory lane~ without a ding dong thing on my mi…_ "

"Take one more step and you're dead where you stand." Said an imposing voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once. It wasn't exactly scary, but it was certainly loud enough to make the dandy bat want to comply.

"Very well then. This is _your_ home after all. I suppose it's only proper that I abide by your rules." The Night Mayor said politely as he tucked the golden scissors into his back pocket. "For what it's worth, I never meant to wake you, Your Majesty. So for that, I am truly sorry."

"Think nothing of it." Replied the voice. "Just put back my scissors, and I'll let you off with a warning."

"A most generous offer, Your Highness. But I'm afraid I must decline. You see, I need these scissors, and I ain't leavin' here without 'em."

"Then you're not leaving here at all." The voice said intimidatingly. "A shame really. You have much better manners than the last person who tried to break into my castle."

"Do my ears deceive me? Cuz that almost sounded like a threat. And last I'd heard, you'd turned your back on such unnecessarily aggressive tendencies."

"This isn't a matter of good and evil. It's a matter of pride." The voice replied sternly. "I'm a dragon, and you've just stolen something from me. If I let you walk out of here with those scissors, I'd never forgive myself."

"My, my, my, that's some pretty archaic thinkin' there. What would your wife say if she heard you talkin' like that?"

"Demurra is very… progressive. She believes that so-called 'Fairytale Tropes' have no place in modern society."

"And you disagree?"

"I believe that certain traditions still carry weight in this day and age. Like the one that says a dragon's gold is sacred. Whether or not he's chosen to live a life without stealing."

"A fair point." The dandy bat replied. "But alas, your threats will not deter me. One way or another, I'm walkin' outta here with these scissors. And if that means I have to make your Queen a widow then so be it."

Despite the seriousness in his tone, the Night Mayor's bold declaration was met not with surrender, like he'd expected, but rather with a series of deep throated chuckles.

"I'm sorry, did I just say somethin' funny?" he asked, sounded not the least bit amused.

"My apologies." The voice replied, pausing briefly to straighten itself up. "It's just… you may find fighting me to be a bit more challenging than you thought."

"Now, I wouldn't go boastin' if I were you, _Your Majesty_." The dandy bat said, his words laced with venom. "You might have me beat on inches and pounds, but I've got more than my fair share of…"

Whatever the Night Mayor was about to say died in his throat as a shocking realization suddenly dawned on him.

His extra sensitive ears could not tell where the voice was coming from.

His extraordinary nose could smell nothing but dust and ancient metal.

And most alarmingly, his high-tech heart monitor could detect no heartbeat within the room save for his own.

To put it bluntly, the dandy bat was at a shockingly large disadvantage.

"Ah… now you understand."

"Quite so." Replied the Night Mayor courteously. "I must admit, I'm rather impressed. I had no idea your people had such advanced methods of camouflage."

"What most people don't know about dragons could fill an entire set of encyclopedias. For example, do you know why dragons collect treasure?"

"I can't say that I do."

"Well, it's all rather simple really. You see, from birth to death, my people are cursed with an insatiable longing; a hunger if you will. And no matter what we do, no matter what we take, we can never fully rid ourselves of it. Not with food. Not with wealth. Not even with love." The voice paused for a moment, presumably to wipe away some unseen tear. "But what am I telling you for? You know all about that kind of hunger don't you, Mr. Orlok."

A strange jolt ran through the dandy bat's body; one born from surprise, but also excitement.

"Well now… now I'm _really_ impressed." He said, sounding greatly amused. "I didn't think anyone in this Podunk galaxy even knew that word."

"Oh, you'd be surprised by what I know." The voice said, almost tauntingly. "I am a dragon, after all. I was considered ancient when your kind were just mindless brutes swarming from one planet to the next. What was it they used to call you? The Great Pestilence?"

"The Grand Plague." The Night Mayor corrected.

"Ah yes, the Grand Plague. I remember when just the mention of those words used to send entire galaxies into a panic. Nearly every sentient species in the cosmos lived in fear of the day when your kind would pay them a visit. When your leather wings would blot out the sun, and you'd swoop down to begin your dark feast."

"That was eons ago." The dandy bat interjected. "We've evolved since then, and before our world was laid to ruin, we Orloks built a mighty civilization; one dedicated to peace, justice, and the teachings of the prophet Karma Zots."

"So I've heard." The voice replied. "Which actually brings me to my next point. What's a member of such a pious species doing breaking into _my_ home, and stealing _my_ things?"

"That's… rather personal." The Night Mayor answered. "But believe me, I wouldn't stoop to such disgraceful tactics if I had any other choice."

"Sorry, but that's just not good enough." The voice said sternly. "Those are Traveler's Scissors you've got there, and if you're this desperate to get them, you must know what they can do."

"Yes, yes, I've heard the legends, but trust me, I've got no intension of tryin' somethin' as foolish as all _that_. I just need to get a few things in order, and then I'm gonna leave this universe forever."

"Really…" the voice replied, sounding more than a little dubious. "That sounds like an awful lot of trouble just to get away from it all."

"Mock me if you must, but I ain't here to fool around. I'm takin' these here scissors, and once my plans are complete, I'm gonna find me a nice quiet universe, one where sentient live never evolved, and then I'm gonna spend the rest of my days in peace and tranquility."

"Do you really believe such a place even exists?"

"Infinite universes, infinite possibilities. There's bound to be at least a million realities full of nothin' but mindless beasts. And once I find one I like, I'm gonna build me a nice little shack by a river, and I'm gonna go fishin' _every_ day."

"Sounds nice." The voice said calmly. "But you don't need to leave this universe to live the life you want. There are plenty of abandoned or uninhabited worlds out there where you could find the peace you seek."

"That's what the Farfalla tried, and look what happened to them. _Annihilated_ just because they wanted to be left alone." The Night Mayor replied, his voice dripping with rage and disgust. "No, I'm gettin' outta this madhouse, no matter what it takes."

"Don't you think that's a little extreme? I mean; this universe isn't perfect, but it's hardly worth abandoning."

"You wouldn't be spoutin' that kind of tripe if you knew the cosmos like I do." The dandy bat said bitterly. "But then again, how could you? You live in _this_ galaxy. Where good and evil are just a game. Do you have even the slightest idea of what it's _really_ like out there, in the _real_ world? Did you know that there are _still_ planets out there where parents sacrifice their infant children to appease their heathen gods? Do you know how many solar systems have been reduced to radioactive vapor because of a bunch of birds on a computer screen? Do you **_know_** what started the war that **_exterminated_** my people? Well, **_do you_**?"

"I… I can't say that I do."

"It was an argument, between two selfish brothers, over who got to wear a hat! **_A HAT_**!"

That last part echoed off the walls for several seconds, giving the Night Mayor able time to regain his composure.

"Make no mistake, Your Majesty. This universe you so foolishly defend is tailor made to crush the spirits of good people and turn them into monsters. And I stand before you today as a prime example." The man-bat said, sounding almost completely crazed. "Once, I was a pious, upstanding man of the cloth; beloved by my friends and neighbors. Now… now after years of pain and hardships, I'm nothing but a thief… and a **_murderer_**."

"What happened to your people was a tragedy sure, but you can't blame the entire universe for how things turned out." The voice said, attempting to be the voice of reason. "And besides, nothing good ever came from living alone. Believe me, I know."

At this, the Night Mayor's face twisted into a sort of demonic smirk.

"Now who said anythin' about me bein' alone." He said, his voice betraying a dark sense of amusement. "I'm gonna have _lots_ of company."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, the details are somethin' of a trade secret, but… just between you and me, the Grand Plague is about to make a triumphant return. And all it will cost is just one final act of violence, and a galaxy's worth of blood."

"My, my, how very cryptic." The voice said, feigning amusement. "But if you're saying what I think you're saying, then I'm afraid my previous offer has just been revoked. You're not leaving this room; not now, not ever."

"I see," the dandy bat replied as he gave his knuckles a nice, loud crack. "Of course you realize, I ain't gonna go down without a fight."

"Naturally, but I still have the advantage. You may have me beat when it comes to speed, but that's not going to do you much good if you can't find me."

"True, but you've overlooked one very important detail."

"Oh really? And what's that?"

"You see, all this talkin' is startin' to make me hungry. And as you may recall, when an Orlok gets hungry, things tend to get a little… **_wild_**."

( _Queen Demurra's Castle: Present Day_ )

 _Ring~ Ring~_

 _Ring~ Ring~_

 _Ring~ Ring~_

 _Ring~ Ring~_

"Hello." Said Queen Demurra, after finally answering the phone.

"Hello, am I speaking to Queen Demurra of the Ben-Drax System?"

"Yes… but this is a restricted phone line. Who gave you this number?"

"Uh… that's not important. What _is_ important is that I have some information regarding your husband's murder that you may find interesting."

"You and every other two-bit bounty hunter in the galaxy." The Queen said angrily. "Look, I've already canceled the reward, so please just leave me alone."

"I'm not after any reward. The man who killed your husband is my enemy as well as yours, but if we join forces we can put an end to him once and for all."

"Yeah… it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up, but that's only because…"

"No! Wait! Please!" the man on the phone said pleadingly. "I swear; I'm telling the truth! I can't tell you anything over the phone because I'm being watched, but if you'll just agree to meet with me, I promise I'll help you get your revenge!"

Demurra paused for a moment as she mulled over the stranger's offer.

On the one hand, this could be a trap, or possibly some kind of elaborate scam to bilk her out of her recently inherited fortune.

But on the other hand, if this was real, it could be her one chance to avenge her fallen spouse.

After much deliberation, she finally replied.

"Okay, let's pretend for a second that I'm stupid enough to trust you, who exactly would I be working with?"

"You'll find out my true identity once we meet in person, but for now just call me Doctor."

End Notes:

Editing and proofreading are a nightmare. But it's always worth it in the end. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Peace.


	7. Chapter 7

Okay, before we begin, I'd just like to address some of the confusion surrounding the previous chapter. The Doctor in Chapter 6 is NOT The Doctor from Doctor Who. It's the Doctor that's been working with the Night Mayor. I don't know how so many people jumped to that conclusion without any evidence, but whatever. Anyway, 'Wander over Yonder' is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Pillow Talk: Chapter 7.

"Oh my _Grop_." Dominator moaned miserably as her cheeks lit up like a furnace. "I can't believe I just did that."

"Hey now, don't go beating yourself up, Sugar Pie." Wander said sympathetically to his ailing girlfriend. "It's really not that big a deal."

"Yes, it is." The villainess countered somberly. "How am I supposed to be a villain if every word you say turns me into a giggling moron? How can I be _Lord Dominator_ if I can't even control my own hormones?"

"Well… and this is just my opinion, but… I've always preferred calling you Deedee."

"UGH! You see! This is exactly what I'm talking about! I wanna be mad at you for saying something that stupid! Oh~ But all I can think about is how much I wanna snuggle you and call you my widdle Peachy Pie~ UGH! You've ruined me!"

And with one final shriek of self-loathing, Dominator turned away from her beloved and buried her face into the nearest pillow.

"Oh… Baby Cakes, please don't cry."

"I'm not crying. I just _feel_ like crying."

"Well… is there anything I can do to help?"

"No… Maybe… I don't know… I… I don't even know what's happening to me."

"Shhh…. It's okay." The furry nomad said soothingly as he began to gently stroke her snow white hair; an act which greatly pleased the ailing villainess. "Whatever's happening, whatever's wrong, just remember that you don't have to go through it alone. I'll always be there for you."

"Oh my Grop~ please stop."

"Stop what?"

"Everything. Everything you say. Everything you do. It all drives me _wild_ and I can't take it anymore."

"You never had a problem with any of that before."

"That's because I thought I was the one in control. But I'm not, you are."

"Sweetheart, I'm not in control. There is no control."

"Of course there is! There always is! That's how the universe works! The strong dominates the weak! Only this time _I'm_ not the strong!"

"Deedee, That's crazy."

"But it's true, isn't it? I mean… for decades, I've done everything I can to prove I'm not weak. I've robbed. I've raped. I've destroyed entire galaxies. But next to you I'm nothing. Nothing but a pathetic little lapdog. And I can't even bring myself to hate you for it, because you're not even trying. You're just… _superior_!"

"Okay, now you're just talking nonsense." The hairy wanderer said in a stern yet sympathetic manner. "I'm not superior. And you are most certainly not inferior. We're in this relationship together, as equals."

"Oh yeah, then why are you the one with all the power?" Dominator asked; still refusing to look him in the eye. "Think about it, I can't manipulate you the way you do me. I can't make you feel things you've never felt before. I can't make you act like a total dork and then pass out from excitement. Face it, at this point I'm basically just your pet."

Suddenly, Wander gave her snow white hair a powerful yank; forcing her to look at him.

"That's enough."

"Wander… you're… hurting me."

"I know, and I'm really, _really_ sorry about that, but I can't stand listening to this anyone." He said sternly. "Now you listen to me. You are not weak. You are Deandra of Amphibos. You're _my_ Deandra. And you are the strongest, most beautiful woman I've ever met. And if you ever say anything contrary to that again, I'll pull on your roots until you're bald. Is that clear?"

"Y-yes Sir." The villainess replied; feeling yet another strange pang from deep within her chest.

"Good." He said before releasing her glistening locks. "Because to be honest, your hair is much too lovely to-HMMMMMPH!"

Before either of them knew what had happened, Dominator, a victim of her own hormones, pounced on the unsuspecting nomad and began to make out with him.

XXX

( _Five Minutes Later_ )

"There, feel better, Sugar Plum?" Wander asked as his lime-skinned sweetie pie nuzzled her cheek against his.

"Much~" she replied dreamily.

"Good, and you know, you really shouldn't get so hung up about earlier. Love is an intense emotion, and this is your first real experience with it. Heck, the only reason I'm not going all goofy is because I've been there once before."

"I figured~ How else could you have become such an expert~"

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call myself an expert. But I do know a thing or two about making ladies happy."

"I'll say~" the villainess squealed girlishly. "Oh Wander~ Say you'll never leave me~ Say you'll be mine forever~"

"Easy now girl." The nomad said soothingly as he gave the love sick seductress an affectionate pat on the head. "Now, if it's not too much trouble, there's something important I'd like to ask you."

"Anything for you, Pumpkin~ Ask away~"

"Okay, why are you so afraid of looking weak?"

And… just like that, Dominator's Love-High suddenly crashed.

"Wh-Wha-What?" she asked hesitantly.

"Well… based on that little conversation we had earlier, I think it's safe to say that weakness is a very serious subject with you, and that from your perspective appearing weak is tantamount to being dead. Am I wrong?"

"No… you're not wrong. But so what?"

"Well, as your duly appointed, and dearly beloved boyfriend/husband-to-be, I feel it is my duty to help you work through such complicated issues."

"Last I checked, not wanting to look weak wasn't an issue. It's only natural for people to want to look strong; even when they're not."

"True, but you gotta admit, your case does seem a little extreme. And who knows, maybe if I knew the reason why you feel this way, maybe I could help you move past it."

"Ugh! Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to tell you because of some stupid rule?"

"No, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." The furry nomad answered gently. "But I would consider it a great honor to learn a little more about the woman I intend to marry."

Damn it.

Wander was **not** playing fair.

"Fine, whatever. I mean; it's not like it's a secret or anything." Dominator said, attempting to act like this was no big deal. "Okay… so… uh… I'm guessing you've already figured this out, but… I'm not like most Amphiboids."

"I had an inkling, but then again, you are one in a million."

"Y-Yeah well… believe it or not, I come from a species of peace-loving nerds. Just a bunch of thin-wristed little twerps who do nothing but talk about art and… _philosophy_ all day." The villainess explained, her words laced with venom and bile. "Oh~ but my mom was different. She played by her own rules. She drank, she cursed, she got in fights, and she didn't care what those stupid stuffed shirts thought."

"And I'm guessing that didn't make her very popular."

"Well… no, but like I said, she didn't care. Heck, she was almost glad when they finally booted her off the planet. Then she was _really_ free."

"I see… so I take it this was before you were born."

"Yup."

"So that means you didn't grow up on your home planet."

"Nope. But that's okay. Mom was all I needed. She taught me everything I needed to know. How to fight. How to hunt. How to contact extra dimensional beings. All sorts of stuff."

"Wow, sounds like she was your hero."

"Are you kidding? She was more than that. She was… like a goddess. Growing up I saw her do things you wouldn't believe. Sure, things weren't always easy, and we had plenty of… _bad days_. But none of that mattered. We had each other. We had…"

"Love?"

"Yeah… that."

"So… what happened?" Wander asked tentatively. "To make you so afraid of looking weak I mean."

"Well… I… I guess it all started when I was seventeen. I… I remember because it was a few weeks after my birthday." Dominator began, suddenly feeling very, _very_ sick. "Wow… you know I… I haven't really thought about this in a long time."

"You know, if you really don't want to, you don't…"

"No… eh… it's cool." The villainess cut in, clearly lying. "Anyway, we were cruising through this dinky little solar system, you know… just looking for some fun… when we found this cool looking red planet. I… I don't remember what the locals called it. But the star charts called it… Mars."

With each passing second, Dominator's lime colored skin grew paler and paler; much to her boyfriend's discomfort.

"It… it didn't take long for us to find something to do. The second we landed… we were ambushed by a band of indigenous warriors. I… I tell you… those Martians were really something else. Four arms… big tusks… easily two or three times our size."

By this point, the villainess' complexion was so pale that she almost resembled some kind of wraith. Wander noticed this, and attempted to intervene; only to be cut off yet again.

"But they were no match for us. I took down seven. Mom took down twelve. We were having one heck of a time. But then… something… something really weird happened."

"Deedee, you don't have to…"

"The Martians started backing off. At… at first we thought they were giving up. But then… but then… _he_ showed up… their _leader_."

Dominator's breathing grew increasingly labored and her vision began to blur.

She wanted to stop then and there, but it was much too late.

The floodgates were open.

The memories had taken over.

"He… he… he wasn't like the others. He was smaller… and white… and he… he… sort of looked like a monkey. Mom… she laughed at him… she thought… she thought it would be an easy win. But I… I noticed something strange. The other Martians… they were… _smiling_."

"Oh, Deedee…"

"I… I tried to tell her… but… but she had already started running at him. And then he… and then he… **_OH MY GROP_**!"

And that, my dear friends, is when it all came flooding back.

The loud, sickening crack.

The explosion of blood and entrails.

The sight of her mother's eyes becoming dull and lifeless.

"He **_killed_** my **_mommy_**!" Dominator howled as the tears came streaming from her now burning eyes. "And then… he made me **_beg_**! He made me beg for my life… like a **_dog_**!"

Just then, the villainess felt something warm and fuzzy wrap around her midsection; not that this did anything to ease her internal torment.

"My Grop… what a selfish pig I've been." Wander said as he began to stroke his beloved's snow white hair. "That's all I am. A cruel, selfish pig. When I asked you not to ask me about Maripoza, you agreed without a second thought. And how do I repay you? By forcing you to relive such a horrible nightmare. And all just to satisfy my childish curiosity. Oh, my sweet, sweet little angel. You deserve better than me."

Dominator wanted to disagree. She wanted to tell him that he was the sweetest, most wonderful man she'd ever met. But she was far beyond words at that point. All that remained were tears and pain filled howls.

"But I swear, I swear upon everything I've ever believed in, that I _will_ make it up to you." The furry nomad said as he tightened his embrace. "You want to know about my past, fine. I'll tell you everything. I'll tear down every mental wall I've ever built. I'll relive every painful, gut-busting moment of my old life. Whatever it takes. Just as long as you know how sorry I am. And that I love you. More than anyone in the entire universe."

Again Dominator said nothing, but her wails began to die down a bit.

"And when I'm done. When I've told you every _horrific_ detail. You'll finally understand why we're meant for each other. Because we've both endured so much. And because we're both so… _broken_."

End Notes:

Just to clarify, NO, they did not have sex in this chapter. They just made out. I probably didn't need to clarify that, but after last time, I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion. Anyway, in the next chapter, Wander will finally tell Dominator his tragic backstory. Brace yourselves folks, because this story is about to have one hell of a climax. Until then, Peace.


	8. Chapter 8

Hello everybody, and welcome to the latest chapter of The Pillow Talk. Just a quick heads-up, this is the last full chapter of the story. The next one will be the Epilogue and then that will be the end. With that said, 'Wander over Yonder' is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Pillow Talk: Chapter 8.

After two long hours of sobbing and hair stroking, Dominator finally managed to pull herself together.

Unfortunately, the damage had already been done.

After decades of suppressing them behind a wall of sheer willpower, the memories of her mother's death, as well as her subsequent disgrace at the hands of the White Martian, were now at the forefront of her mind. And now that they were there, Dominator had a sickening suspicion that she would never truly be rid of them again.

But, for the moment at least, she had enough mental fortitude to keep the waking nightmares at bay.

Which was very fortunate, since she was going to need every ounce of said ironclad resilience to withstand the tale she was about to be told.

"I… uh… I'm not… eh… I'm not… really sure where to begin." Wander said nervously; all the while fidgeting like a frightened bunny. "I've never actually… told anyone any of this stuff before."

"You know; you don't have to do this." Dominator spoke up; sounding almost as uneasy as he did. "I mean; I don't really care about this kinda stuff anymore."

"No… I _do_ have to do this." He replied somberly. "If we… if we're ever going to get married, we can't have any secrets between us. At least not ones as big as this. And besides, I owe you for… well… I owe you for earlier."

"But…."

"No buts." The furry nomad interrupted. "My mind's made up. I just… I'm not really sure where to begin."

"Always begin with the beginning, and when you get to the end, stop."

"You've read the sacred texts of the Szlarnian Homeworld?"

"Meh, I get bored moving between galaxies."

"Well, how about that." Wander said warmly; his smile instantly easing much of the tension in the room. "Okay then, I guess I'll start with the basics. My name is… or was… Gom-Yeer Py-L."

"Gom-er… Pile?"

"No, it's Gom-Yeer Py-L." he explained gently. "Gom-Yeer is my family name and Py-L is my given name. Loosely translated it means Musical Farmer."

"Gom-Yeer… Py-L…" the villainess repeated slowly. "That's sounds… kinda pretty actually."

"Thank you." He replied softly; blushing a little before moving on. "Anyway, I suppose it all started eons ago, during what my people called the Age of Drifting. In those days, my ancestors were nomads, they… wandered from planet to planet, looking for a place to call their own."

"Wait, I thought your people came from Mari… I mean, _that_ place."

"It's okay, Deedee. You can say it now. I promise I won't get mad." Wander said reassuringly. "And yes, Maripoza is where I was born, but before my ancestors colonized it, my people, the Farfalla, were refugees."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… my people were never big on keeping historical records, but from what I understand, my ancient ancestors were driven off their home planet by some kind of plague; forcing them to go looking for a new one."

"Oh my…"

"Indeed, but thankfully, after a few centuries of searching, they finally found the perfect world they'd been looking for. And in honor of it's incredible beauty they named it Maripoza; which in our language means Paradise." The furry nomad continued, as Dominator listened with rapt attention. "Oh~ And what a paradise it was. The purple mountains. The silver waterfalls. The endless fields of golden wheat. And the cities… oh my Grop, the cities~ With their tall towers and their markets full of happy, smiling people."

At this, the lime-skinned villainess couldn't help but chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

"I'm sorry, Pumpkin. But you gotta admit, that was _really_ corny."

"Hmmm… maybe, but it's the truth. On Maripoza, people were almost always in a good mood, because everyone was best friends with everyone else."

"You're kidding right?"

"No, I mean it. Everybody always got along with everyone. I mean sure, we had disagreements, and sometimes those led to arguments, but we always worked them out in the end."

"Jeez, how'd you pull that off?"

"Well… we had this thing, this… ability where we would… uh… give me a second. This is kind of hard to explain." Wander said; pausing briefly to properly compose his thoughts. "Okay, basically whenever a member of my species looks as someone, they instantly learn everything there is to know about them. Their name, their fears, their hobbies, everything. It's like having a billion conversations all at once."

"That's… that's incredible." Dominator said with hushed amazement.

"I know, and it was real useful too. Making friends was easy, arguments ended quicker cuz everyone always saw things from both sides, and best of all, nobody ever felt alone." The orange nomad replied nostalgically, before his tone shifted to something a little darker. "Unfortunately, it only worked on our own kind. Whenever we looked at anyone else all we got was… _static_."

"Static?"

"Yup, nothing but white noise. To us, anyone or anything we couldn't instantly learn everything about was wrong and scary. That's why after finding Maripoza, our ancient ancestors used the parts from their spaceships to build a massive force field generator; to make sure that no one could ever come to our planet and disturb our peace."

"That's why people called you xenophobes." Dominator reasoned.

"Yup, though in retrospect I guess that's not totally inaccurate." Wander replied, with just a trace of bitterness in his voice. "But hey, I've wasted enough time talking about my people. Let's move on to me."

Suddenly, the villainess felt yet another strange sensation from deep within her bosom. It wasn't a pang like before, but it wasn't something totally alien either. It was… confusing, to say the least.

"As you can probably guess from my name, I was a farmer on my homeworld. Just like my father, and his father, and his… no, wait… actually I think he might've been a shoemaker or something. But that's not important. What _is_ important is that _I_ was a farmer, and that I lived out in the country on this tiny little farm."

"With your wife?" Dominator asked, though she already knew the answer.

"Yeah… with my wife." Wander replied hollowly.

"So, what was she like?"

"That's not important."

"It is to me." The villainess countered. "I mean; I don't mind being your second wife. I just wanna know what kinda act I'm following."

"It's not a contest, Deedee. You and Lau are two completely different people. I don't want you comparing yourself to her or anyone else. And besides, I don't want you thinking of yourself as my second wife. When the time comes, you'll be my wife. I'll be your husband. And that will be that. Okay?"

"Okay." She replied, blushing slightly.

"Good. Now, as I was saying. I was a farmer and I lived out in the country on this tiny little farm. Nothing special, just a half acre of land with a house, a barn, and a chicken coop. Most days I'd spend my time tending to the crops, taking care of the chickens, fixing things that needed fixing. You know, normal farm stuff. But every so often, I'd gather up my best eggs, wheat, and barley, and I'd fly on down to the market to trade them for…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, just hold on there a second." Dominator interrupted suddenly. "What do you mean you'd _fly_ to the market?"

"Exactly what I said. I'd fly."

"How?"

"With my wings of course."

"But, you don't have wings."

"I used to." Wander replied bluntly. "I used to have a pair of antennae too, but I… I'll get to that later. Now, where was I again?"

"Uh… you were telling me about the market."

"Oh right, thank you." The furry nomad said gratefully. "Now as I was saying, every now and then, I'd gather up my best stuff and take it to the market to trade for other stuff we needed. Clothes, farming equipment, whatever. So between that, all the work I did around the farm, holidays, and all the time I spent with Lau, that was pretty much my entire life for about… ninety-six years."

"You were married for _that_ long?"

"Yup, though by my people's standards we were still newlyweds."

"Wow…" Dominator muttered in hushed astonishment, before hesitantly asking the question she'd been avoiding for hours. "So… what happened?"

At first, Wander didn't reply. He just sat there in almost total silence, which was broken only by the sound of his shallow breathing. On the outside he looked relatively calm and collected, but Dominator knew better than that; she could see the emotional maelstrom in his mind just by looking into his eyes. Despite all evidence to the contrary, her beloved was most certainly **_not_** okay with this.

"One day, about seventy-five years ago, I was fixing a hole in the chicken coop, when I heard a strange news story playing on the radio." The orange nomad said, after what felt like a lifetime of silence. "It said that earlier that day, something unbelievable had happened. For the first time ever, an outsider had landed on Maripoza. Didn't give much more information after that. Just assured everyone that the stranger had been driven off and that our top scientists were already working on the force field generator to make sure that this never happened again. I remember thinking to myself, 'Oh, that's a relief', and then I just went back to work."

Suddenly, Dominator felt an unpleasant knot form in the pit of her stomach. She didn't understand what it was, but she knew why it was happening. She could sense it. Wander was about to relieve the worst moment of his life.

"Later that night, after supper, I helped Lau with the dishes. Then we both went up to bed. I kissed her goodnight. Told her I loved her. Then I closed my eyes, thinking that I was the luckiest man in the world. Then when I opened my eyes again… my world was gone."

The knot in Dominator's stomach grew tighter with every word.

"I was in so much pain I couldn't move. And there was so much noise I couldn't think. It was hours before I finally had enough sense to realize what was happening. There I was. In a bubble. In outer space. With the shattered remains of my homeworld floating all around me."

"Good Grop…" the villainess muttered in mild horror. "Wait… you just woke up inside a bubble?"

"Yup." Wander replied hollowly.

"But, that makes no sense. How'd you get in there?"

"I don't know."

"Oh come on. You can't just build up a climax like that and then leave me hanging. Tell me what really…"

" _I DON'T KNOW!_ " the wanderer shouted; sending a joint of terror though Dominator's black heart. "I don't know how I got there. Or where that bubble came from. Or anything else that happened after I feel asleep. All I know is that when I woke up I was the last of my kind… the last of the Farfalla."

Suddenly Wander turned away from his beloved, presumably to hide any tears he might shed.

"For the first time in my life I was alone. I had no family, no friends, and no idea why I'd been spared. And for a social species like mine, loneliness is like a poison that eats you alive from within. All that silence… all that emptiness… it was too much… **_too much_** _!_ "

Wander still refused to face her, but it no longer made a difference. Dominator didn't need to see his face to know he was crying.

Her heart _ached_ for him.

"It was three weeks before a passing freighter finally picked me up. By all accounts, I shouldn't have lasted that long, but for some reason my body just refused to die. Even when I wanted it to."

Dominator wanted to take him in her arms then and there. She wanted to hold him close and tell him everything was going to be alright. But she resisted these urges for the time being. There were still questions that needed answering.

"So… what happened exactly?" she asked tentatively. "What happened to Maripoza?"

"I didn't find this out for nearly a decade, but the stranger who breached the force field was actually a king from a neighboring system. He'd come to Maripoza in search of a rare flower he needed to save his daughter's life. My people refused to give it to him and she died. So he… wanted revenge." Wander explained as his crying slowly became more pronounced. "It's almost funny when you think about it. Over twenty billion people died… because we didn't want to share."

Again Dominator wanted to hug him back to normality, and again she resisted.

There was one last question that had to be asked.

"And… what happened to your wings?"

Wander shuddered heavily before giving his reply.

"Some things are better left unsaid."

And… just like that, the _ache_ in Dominator's heart erupted into a symphony of pangs.

Before she even knew what was happening, tears began to flow from the villainess' rosy pink eyes. However, this time she wasn't sobbing like some inconsolable child. No, this time she was in complete control. Most likely because this time she cried not for herself, but for her beloved.

Oh… how she wanted to take him in her arms and squeeze his pain away. To whisper sweet nothings into his ear and promise that everything was going to be okay.

But alas, cuddling and cutesy talk could not heal this kind of pain. It was too old and the wounds were far too deep. This was beyond anything she knew how to fix.

Heck, she couldn't even heal her own emotional scars. All she could do was numb the pain with…

 _Gasp!_

That's it! That's how she could help him through this.

Granted, it wasn't exactly going to be big on dignity, but for Wander's sake she was willing to demean herself a little.

"Wander… could you turn around please?" the villainess asked politely.

"Wha… Oh… sure." The orange nomad said before complying.

His handsome face had become warped by grief, but Dominator paid this no mind.

"You know… this game isn't much fun anymore." She said, attempting to sound playful in spite of her tears. "Maybe we should play something else."

"Oh yeah… like what?"

"Well… you like to play pretend right?"

"Yeah…"

"Well then, why don't we pretend, just for a little while, that our lives aren't so totally messed up." Dominator proposed, smiling warmly all the while. "Just for a little bit, let's pretend that you're not the last of your kind, and that I'm not some screwed up kid who watched her mom get butchered. Just for this one night, let's pretend that you're a man, and I'm a woman, and that we love each other more than anything else in the entire universe."

Wander said nothing at first. Instead he just stared deeply into the villainess' rosy pink eyes.

She knew he was no fool. She knew he would understand the true meaning of her words. She just hoped he would understand that this time, she was not trying to get the upper hand in their contest, or trying to satisfy her animal urges.

She hoped, she hoped beyond all hope, that he would see that this time, she wanted nothing more than to help him, and that this was the only way she knew how.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the furry nomad wiped the tears from his eyes and answered.

"Okay."

End Notes:

Two things. 1) Yes, they're about to do exactly what you think they are. 2) No, you're not going to see any of it. I'm sorry if that disappoints anyone, but this is not that kind of story. Anyway, all that's left now is the epilogue. I'll see you there. Peace.


	9. Epilogue

Well, this is it folks. The Epilogue. The Final Chapter of 'The Pillow Talk'. Wander over Yonder is owned by Disney. Enjoy.

The Pillow Talk: Epilogue.

"That… was… _amazing_ ~" Dominator cooed blissfully to her bedmate; her voice still hoarse from so much heavy breathing.

To say that she had enjoyed her little bout with Wander would be an understatement of the highest caliber. In truth, it had been _the_ most intense and wonderful experience of her young life; and coming from someone who's had more gentleman callers than a telephone operator, that's saying quite a bit.

" _You_ are amazing~"

"Thanks, you were pretty darn good yourself."

"Are you kidding? I was just following your lead. You were the one doing all the work, Maestro."

"Aw, don't sell yourself short. You did really well for your first time."

"Hey, I've had sex before. It's just… I never realized I was doing it wrong. I had no idea it was supposed to make your eyes roll back into your head."

"Well, what we just did was a bit more _intimate_ than just ordinary sex." Said Wander, in a tone that made Dominator shudder with ecstasy. "What we just did was make love, and that requires a far greater rapport than anything you're used to."

"Fair enough." The villainess conceded, without even attempting to argue or deride. "So, you up for another go?"

"No, I'm good."

"Pretty please~"

"I said no!" the orange nomad said sternly. "I'm sorry, but tonight was a major step in our relationship. I don't wanna cheapen the moment by just… jumping back into it."

"But…"

"No buts! I'm sorry, Deedee. But that's just how I feel."

"Okay…" Dominator said dejectedly.

"Hey, don't look so glum. I know something you'll like even better."

"Oh yeah, what?" she asked skeptically.

"Well… just put your head right here and I'll show you."

Despite her overwhelming sense of dubiety, something in the wanderer's voice made the villainess want to trust him. So, as instructed, she scooted in closer, and rested her head against his chest. Then, once she'd made herself comfortable, the nomad placed one arm around her shoulder and started stroking her hair with the other.

"There… Isn't that better?"

"Hmmm~" Dominator moaned in reply. For really, what else could she do? This _was_ better. This was better than anything she'd ever experienced in her entire life; including the magnificent roll in the hay they'd finished just minutes ago. She didn't understand why or how, but it just… _was_.

"I knew you'd like this." Said Wander, almost teasingly. "I know my widdle Sweetie pie all too well."

"Hmmm~" the villainess moaned louder as her heart and mind turned to candy floss.

The two lovers stayed in that position for almost a full hour; although from Dominator's love drunk perspective it felt more like fifty years. Unfortunately, this state of pure, unadulterated bliss was cut short when Wander suddenly asked,

"Deedee, do you hear something?"

"Hmmm~"

"I'm serious, I really hear something."

"Hmmm~ Forget it. It's probably just the drill."

"The drill?" went the wanderer, sounding more than slightly aghast. "You mean the one you use to destroy planets?"

"Uh… yeah. Do I have any other drills?"

"So that means this ship is destroying a planet right now."

"I guess. I mean; I set it on autopilot a while ago."

"Well do you know _which_ planet your destroying?"

"No. I wasn't really paying attention to where I was this morning. If you'll recall, I did have _other_ plans for this evening."

"Yeah, well… maybe I should go down there and check it out."

"What! No, don't go! We were just getting started."

"I'm sorry, Deedee. But I can't just sit here and pleasure you while there's a world being destroyed. Someone might be hurt, or worse."

"No, please stay. There's like a million uninhabited planets in this galaxy. It's probably just one of those."

"But what if it's not."

"Then you've got nothing to worry about. I programmed the drill not to go into the final stage until the planet is totally empty. And the Dom-Bots are programmed to pick up any stragglers and dump them somewhere safe. I promise, no one's gonna get hurt."

"But what if…"

"Wander, how long have we been dating?"

"About four months. But what does…"

"And in all that time, have I ever broken your No Killing Rule?"

"No. But…"

"But nothing. Wander, ever since we started dating, I've followed your rules to a T. I've plotted roundabout courses. I've programed all kinds of safeties and subroutines into my ship. All for the sake of making sure I don't break your one big rule."

"I know that, Sweetheart. It's just… it wouldn't be right for me to enjoy myself while other people are suffering."

"People are always suffering. It's the way of the universe. Are you going to stop having fun altogether until that changes?"

"Well… no, it just… it just feels so wrong when you're this close to it. When you know you can make a difference."

"But Pumpkin, you can't make a difference." Dominator pointed out. "The rules say you can't interfere with my biz unless I break one of your rules. And even if I had, once the drilling starts it can't be stopped, not even by me."

"I know all that. But… I can't just sit here."

"Why not? The planet's gonna get destroyed anyway, and my drones will make sure no one dies. So why can't you be selfish for once and just think about what _you_ want?"

"I… I'm not sure…"

"What if I promise not to destroy any more planets after this one?"

"You… you don't mean that."

"Yes I do." The villainess interjected; surprised by her own sincerity. "I mean; you said it yourself, my ship can go for years without needing a fill-up. And being with you is _way_ more fun than watching planets die anyway."

"Oh my Grop… you're not kidding are you?"

"No, I'm dead serious." Replied Dominator; her voice devoid of even the slightest trace of deceit. "Stay with me tonight, and I'm done with destroying planets. At least until I need to."

Wander just stared at her in stunned silence.

To her credit, the lime-skinned seductress had meant every word. She was fully prepared to abandon her favorite pastime in exchange for a few more hours of cuddling and all that it could lead to.

The only question was, would Wander accept her offer.

"Well… when you put it that way, how could I possibly say no."

"Exactly~"

"And… it is just one last planet. What's one world when faced with the prospect of millions more being spared."

"So true~ So very, very true~"

"So… as we were?"

"Yes Sir~"

And with that, the two lovers resumed their evening of quiet togetherness. Blissfully unaware that on the opposite end of the ship, a lone computer screen was displaying a most disturbing message.

It read as follows,

 _Location: Planet Zbor._

 _Alias: Zbornak Homeworld._

 _Type: M-Class._

 _Current Population: 0.0%._

 _Volcanium X Extraction: 85.6%_

 _Destruction: Imminent._

End Notes:

Coming in September: The Weekend Getaway.

See you then faithful followers. Peace.


End file.
